A/N: This fic is nothing serious, has no depth whatsoever and is not even close to being original in style. But it came to me out of nowhere and all I had to do is write it down. Some stuff didn’t age well, so it got a bit of an update recently.

Genre: Humor
Rating: R (language)
Verse: X2
Summary: The X-Men are spying on someone
Date: June 18, 2005

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Scott: “What is she doing?”

Jean: “Let her be, Scott. She needs time.”

Scott: “For what? She should continue those stories she started!”

Jean: “I’m sure she will.”

Scott: “I was finally getting a big part in all three of those stories. She has to continue them. I’m the Team leader; I deserve more attention. Why does she always write about Logan?”

Logan: “Because she likes me better.”

Jean: “Logan! Don’t sneak up on people like that!”

Logan: “Aren’t you psychic?”

Jean: “I don’t just randomly look into everyone’s mind.”

Scott: “It’s not ethical.”

Logan: “Sure, keep telling yourself that while spying.”

Scott: “We’re not spying!”

Logan: “Whatever.”

Jubilee: “Hey guys! Have you seen Rogue?”

Jean: “No–”

Rogue: “I’m here!”

Jubilee: “Oh, hey chica! I’m going to the mall. Wanna come?”

Rogue: “Thanks Jubes, but I’m going to hang out here for a while. Hey Scott, why are you spying on her?”

Scott: “I’m not spying!”

Logan: “He’s jealous because she’s always writing about me.”

Scott: “I’m not jealous. I just think I deserve an important part as well.”

Rogue: “She’ll write about you too, Scott. I’m sure she likes you.”

Scott: “She does?”

Jean: “Of course, honey. Who wouldn’t?”

Logan: “Hmph…”

Bobby: “Whoa, it’s crowded in here! What are you doing?”

Jubilee: “We’re watching Scott spying on *her*.”

Scott: “I AM NOT SPYING!”

Ororo: “What’s with the noise, here? Did I miss something?”

Jean: “Cut it out, you guys. Scott, calm down. Hi ‘Ro. You’re not–”

Scott: “I am not–”

Jubilee: “Yeah, yeah, you’re not spying, but I think this is getting interesting. I’m staying.”

Rogue: “Alright. I’ll make us all a hot cup of cocoa.”

Logan: “I’ll take a beer, kid.”

Bobby: “I’ll take a beer, too.”

Scott: “No, you won’t.”

Bobby: “I’m eighteen! In *her* country it’s legal to drink now!”

Jubilee: “You can? Oh my God, what are we waiting for? Let’s go to Holland!”

Logan: “The Netherlands.”

Jubilee: “Huh?”

Jean: “Holland is just a small part of the country. The country itself is called ‘The Netherlands.”

Bobby: “It’s legal to smoke weed there, too.”

Jean: “Bobby!”

Scott: “They’re all junkies.”

*BAMF* Kurt: “Actually, that law works quite well in the Netherlands. In Germany however–”

Jean: “Kurt, that’s enough!”

Logan: “Jesus, you’re getting just as stuck up as Scooter, Jeannie.”

Jubilee: “Heh, I know where I’m going next summer!”

Rogue: “I might even join you, Jubes.”

Bobby: “I thought we were going on a road trip together?”

Rogue: “Oh, uh… yeah, of course. Cocoa, anyone?

Ororo: “Yes, thank you, Rogue. So, Scott? Any progress in her writing?”

Scott: “Nope. She just sits there staring at a picture of Logan.”

Logan: “Heh.”

Jubilee: “What’s so hard about writing fanfiction, anyway? It’s just a bunch of people having piss-drunk orgies all the time, right?”

Ororo: “Not really, Jubilee. Some have a little more depth than that, you know.”

Rogue: “Yeah. All *her* stories are about Logan and me and we’re not getting drunk, let alone ending up in orgies.”

Logan: “Yet, hehe.”

Bobby: “What’s up with you and Logan, anyway? Everybody knows you’re my girl!”

Rogue: “I’m not anyone’s property, Bobby. They all have their favorite pairing. Apparently hers is Logan and me.”

Logan: “Heh.”

Scott: “She’s a pervert, that’s what she is. Logan is way too old for Rogue.”

Logan: “Hey, I’m not even touching the kid!”

Rogue: “Yet, heh.”

Jubilee: “Go Roguey!”

Bobby: “Shut up, Jubes.”

Ororo: “Favorite or not, she could write about all of us for once.”

Jean: “She is. She’s just thinking about how to develop all of us the right way.”

Logan: “Poking around in someone’s head again, Jeannie?”

Jean: “Calculated guess.”

Jubilee: Sure it is. Anyway, I’ve read a bunch of those stories yesterday on some fanfiction site. All the characters in those fics were screwing around like bunnies. Holey moley, orgies everywhere!”

Bobby: “Where is that website?”

Ororo: “Bobby!”

Bobby: “What?”

Jubilee: “Well, if she’s not writing, let’s just make up some stories right here. I’ll start.”

Logan: “Oh, fuck.”

Scott: “Watch your language!”

Logan: “Fuck you, too.”

Jean: “Logan! Scott!”

Jubilee: “Shut up, all of you! Okay, uhm… Once upon a time–”

Kurt: “What is this? A fairytale?”

Jubilee: “You’re distracting me. Now where was I?”

Rogue: “You weren’t anywhere. Just ‘once upon a time.’”

Jubilee: “Oh yeah, right. So uh… Once upon a time, there was… a girl named Rogue and she had a crush on a guy named–“

Bobby: “Bobby!”

Jubilee: “–Logan.”

Rogue: “Oh, fuck.”

Jubilee: “Not yet, chica. But I’m getting there.”

Ororo: “Jubilation Lee–”

Bobby: “Damn it! It’s always Logan!”

Logan: “Heh.”

Jubliee: “Shut up, shut up! Okay, so. Rogue tried to get Logan’s attention, but the guy was really stubborn and saw her as only a kid.”

Rogue: “Hmm, sounds familiar.”

Scott: “That’s ‘cause you still *are* a kid.”

Jubilee: “Can I, please, have my three minutes of fame, here? Geez… So, one night, she slipped into his bedroom, where he sleeps completely naked–“

Rogue: “Logan doesn’t sleep naked. At least, not here in the Mansion.”

Jubilee: “So what? This is my fiction, I’ll decide whether he sleeps naked or not.”

Jean: “No, Jubilee. You have to try to write about the characters as authentically as possible. So if Logan doesn’t sleep in the nude, you have to make him wear something.”

Jublee: “Fine, have it your way. Okay, Logan sleeps completely naked, except for his socks and–”

Rogue: “Jubes!”

Jubilee: “Okay, okay. So, like, what do you wear, Logan?”

Logan: “Whatever I fall asleep in.”

Jubilee: “Right. Logan was asleep in his sexy jeans with the fly half open and Rogue entered his room. She carefully walked up to his bed because this guy had super hearing and she wanted to surprise him. So, when she was mesmerized by all that naked skin, she bent over and–”

Logan: “He jumped up and stabbed her through the chest with his claws.”

*silence*

Logan: “What? Authentic. That’s what happens when you sneak up on me.”

Rogue: “Yep, sounds about right.”

Jubilee: “Ugh, whatever. Forget I said anything. Your turn, Scott.”

Scott: “Mine? Why?”

Jubilee: “Because this is your chance to make yourself important.”

Rogue: “Yeah, Scott. Tell us a story.”

Scott: “Okay, fine.”

*Silence*

Kurt: “Well?”

Scott: “I’m thinking.”

Logan: “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

Scott: “Want to know what hurts? Your claws up your—”

Jean: “Scott!”

Scott: “Okay, okay. You know what? Let Logan tell us one, Mr. Know-it-all.”

Logan: “No problemo. Once upon a time there was this bike that belonged to Cyke. Until Logan found the keys. The End.”

Scott: “Damnit, if you steal my bike one more time, I swear–“

Jean: “Come on, everybody. Let’s just behave like adults here, okay?”

Rogue: “I thought I was still a kid.”

Kurt: “Sshh! She’s writing again!”

Bobby: “She is? About who?”

Scott: “Don’t know. Looks like all of us.”

Ororo: “That’s good. I’d like to see what she makes of me.”

Bobby: “I just want one story with my girlfriend. Is that too much to ask for?”

Scott: “You’re mentioned in all of her stories. What are you complaining about?”

Bobby: “I don’t like them! She’s always making me the loser!”

Logan: “She’s got you all figured out, bub.”

Rogue: “Come on, Bobby. You’re more like a tragic hero or something.”

Bobby: “I don’t want to be a tragic hero. I just want the girl!”

Jubilee: “Not gonna happen. Wolvie is getting all the action.”

Logan: “Heh.”

Jean: “Don’t worry, Scott. He’s not getting me.”

Logan: “Yet, heh.”

Rogue: “Hey! You’re not getting Jean!”

Scott: “You stay away from my woman!”

Logan: “What? It’s all up to *her*. She’s the one writing it.”

Ororo: “He’s right.”

Jubilee: “I don’t care. He’s not getting me, either.”

Logan: “Thank you, Lord.”

Jubilee: “Hey! I’m desirable!”

Bobby: “Yeah, she is!”

Jubilee: “I am?”

Bobby: “Um…”

Rogue: “What’s this?”

Bobby: “Um…”

Jean: “It’s nothing. Now, why don’t we all be quiet and let her write, huh?”

Rogue: “No, wait a minute! Bobby, do you have a crush on Jubes?”

Bobby: “No! I just said that she *is* attractive!”

Jubilee: “I am!”

Jean: “Yes, you are. Now–”

Rogue: “Don’t talk to us like that, Jean!”

Jean: “Like what?”

Logan: “Patronizing.”

Rogue: “Thanks, sugah.”

Logan: “Anytime, darlin’.”

Jean: “I’m not patronizing anyone. I’m just trying to–”

Bobby: “Damn it! I can’t stand that!”

Rogue: “What?”

Bobby: “That “sugar-darling-thing!”

Rogue: “What? Two peas in a pot.”

Bobby: “It’s creepy.”

Jubilee: “Whatever, dude. Let’s go back to me, okay?”

Bobby: “What about you?”

Jubilee: “Oh, I’m history already?”

Bobby: “What are you talking about?”

Rogue: “She wants you to compliment her, Bobby.”

Bobby: “Why? What for?”

Jubilee: “Oh my god, you’re such a *guy*! I’m out of here. Bye now!”

Bobby: “What? What did I do?”

Ororo: “Jubilee, wait a minute! Jubilee!”

Kurt: “Ororo! Wait up!” *BAMF*

Scott: “Can you all be quiet now? I’m trying to concentrate here.”

Jean: “Leave her, Scott.”

Logan: “Yeah. Let her write. I can use a new adventure. Bored out of my mind, lately.”

Rogue: “Do you think she’ll write about us again, Logan?”

Logan: “Of course. We’re her favorites.”

Bobby: “’We’re her favorites.’ Blegh! I’m sick and tired of all this. You know what? You two deserve each other. I’m stepping out of this stupid goody-goody character and I’m going after Jubes. How’s that, huh?”

Rogue: “Bobby! You’re overreacting!”

Logan: “Let him, kid. He’s just upset.”

Rogue: “He’s my boyfriend.”

Logan: “Not anymore it seems.”

Scott: “You insensitive asshole–”

Jean: “Scott, language! Rogue, maybe you should talk to him.”

Rogue: “I don’t know…”

Logan: “Don’t. He’ll be back for you, crawling on his knees, begging you to take him back.”

Rogue: “You think so?”

Logan: “Sure. Who would want to leave someone like you, huh?”

Rogue: “Aww…that’s sweet, sugah.”

Logan: “I have my moments.”

Jean: “You know what? I’m out of here, too. I have some work to do and Hank is waiting anyway.”

Scott: “Hank again? You’re always with Hank nowadays!”

Jean: “Maybe that’s because we’re working together?”

Scott: “I don’t like it.”

Jean: “What? You’re jealous of Hank, too? Come on, Scott. You know I love you.”

Logan: “Yeah, pansy ass. She loves you.”

Scott: “What do you know about love, anyway? I thought lust was your department.”

Jean: “Damn it, I’m leaving kindergarten now. See you, Rogue.”

Scott: “Jean! Come on, babe, I didn’t mean to–Jean! Wait up!”

*silence*

Rogue: “So…”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “This was an interesting afternoon.”

Logan: “–.”

Rogue: “Are you going to say something?”

Logan: “Something.”

Rogue: “Very funny.”

*silence*

Logan: “Maybe you should talk to Bobby.”

Rogue: “You said I shouldn’t.”

Logan: “Yeah, well, Cyke’s right. What do I know about love or relationships?”

Rogue: “*We* are doing just fine.”

Logan: “We’re friends.”

Rogue: “Friends-to-lovers is a popular trope.”

Logan: “Marie…”

Rogue: “What?

Logan: “Cut it out.”

Rogue: “Why? Don’t you think *she* has a point?”

Logan: “About what?”

Rogue: “About us, stupid. Do you think she’ll ever let us end up together?”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “I sure did like that one fic where I had to straddle you.”

Logan: “Don’t you even start with that one.”

Rogue: “Oh come on! I know you liked that one, too. You weren’t faking that um… you know.”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “Wipe that smirk of your face, mister. I’m not blushing.”

Logan: “You can’t say it either.”

Rogue: “Alright, I’ll say it: You, Mr. I’m-keeping-my-cool, had a major hard-on when I straddled you. There. How’s that?”

Logan: “A *major* hard-on? Now that’s a compliment, kid.”

Rogue: “Oh, shut up. You know what I mean. No one can fake that, Logan. Not even you.”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “So?”

Logan: “So, what?”

Rogue: “Are you going to admit that you’re sexually attracted to me?”

Logan: “I think you should talk to your boyfriend.”

Rogue: “Oh no. I’m not buying this shit, bub. You know what? I’m going to ask *her* to let you fuck my brains out.”

Logan: *coughcoughcough* “What?!”

Rogue: “Careful with that beer, sugah. You heard me.”

Logan: “You’re kidding, right?”

Rogue: “Nope.”

Logan: “Jesus Christ, Marie, don’t you dare!”

Rogue: “Don’t growl at me like that. I’m not impressed.”

Logan: “You just can’t–shit, you’re seventeen! I can’t–”

Rogue: “That’s it? That’s what’s bothering you? Pff, I’ll tell her to make up my birthday and voila! I’m legal and all yours.”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “Well?”

Logan: “I need another beer.”

Rogue: “Oh, very mature, Logan.”

Logan: “Grrr.”

Rogue: “You want me.”

Logan: “Grrr.”

Rogue: “Admit it, sugah. Admit it and I’ll ask her to make up my birthday soon. Hell, I’ll tell her that it’s tomorrow. How’s that?”

Logan: “–”

Rogue: “I can always ask her to let you take me right here, right now.”

Logan: “No!”

Rogue: “So, admit you want me and we’re all going to be happy. You’re not going to be the so-called child molester and she won’t be getting any emails about what a pervert she is for letting you take me hard, right here on this kitchen table while I’m still seventeen.”

Logan: “Holy shit…”

Rogue: “Well?”

Logan: “What time is it?”

Rogue: “What? Why?”

Logan: “I think it’s past midnight.”

Rogue: “You’re right! How did this happen?”

Logan: “I think *she* did it.”

Rogue: “Oh my… does that mean what I think it means? What’s with that smirk? What are you doing? Oh–”

Logan: “Happy birthday, darlin’. You’re getting your present right here on this kitchen table.”